Fuck 2011: Literature Edition

It's hard to keep up with contemporary literature unless you have a great local library (which are rapidly disappearing) or are an actual paid literary critizier for fancy publications (also rapidly disappearing) or a retiree (again, disappearing). In other words, it's IMPOSSIBLE to keep up with contemporary literature because it means you do not occupy space. Actual end-of-year-best-of book lists are just conjured up by editors who count money by the "wads." So the best any Joe Blow can do when writing up a best books of 2011 for his shitty blog read mostly by spambots in Russia is to just recount the best books he read, regardless of age.

Coincidentally, here's my said list:

5) My Life by Bill Clinton
The main reason this is on my list is because I'm very proud of myself that I got through the world's longest and overly detailed memoir. It was a staggering project that the former president took on. The amount of effort he put in shows because it is a very good read. Admittedly, when the annual budgets were stuck in the Houses, (much like when they were this summer) I completely skipped them and paid no mind. Clinton is very candid and makes the scandal just as entertaining and enlightening as his accomplishments. I feel Waco deserved more than a couple pages but that was mostly Janet Reno's stupidity and I'd much rather get an enema then read any book on her.

4) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
I've been a fan of the HP since I was eleven when I read the first four books in about a month. I did the whole midnight release for the last two books, but never got around to reading the last one until this year. Seeing the first film installment was a good incentive, as was re-reading the whole series- a project I started in November of 2010. When I finally finished Deathly Hallows in February, it was like a part of my childhood was finished. I suddenly found myself living by myself in Boston and I was 20 instead of 11. Aside from the nostalgia, it was very well written, probably her best since the fifth book. I could write a whole thing on HP but there's more books to get to.

3) Tales of the Unexpected by Roald Dahl
For a guy that didn't read much of Dahl as a kid, I found this book very unexpected. Excuse me while I vomit over that horrible pun-sorta-thing. At any rate, this book was my best friend when I was down on the Falklands. It completely distracted me from being lonely or scared and kept me thinking about some bizarre shit. After reading it, I am now completely prepared if I ever try to be swindled by an antique dealing wine loving billionaire who has eyes for my daughter while my wife plots my death. Apparently that happens a lot.

2) Skeleton Crew by Stephen King
Another short story collection. This book has some of the best short stories I've ever read, specifically "Mrs. Todd's Shortcut" and "The Jaunt." Another great distraction at another horrible point in the year.

1) Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
When I finished the last few chapters on a T ride from Wonderland to Longwood Medical, I wept on the crowded car. I couldn't stop. I couldn't contain myself at all. It is simply the most beautiful book I've ever read. I forced my mom to read it too and she said it best: "He makes these unbelievable and bizarre moments so poignant."

WHERE WAS I IN MY LIFE WHEN I RE-READ CATCHER IN THE RYE THIS YEAR:
In sadly a similar situation as Holden. I ran away to the Cape without telling anyone and slept in my car for the weekend with no money to speak of. I don't really know why I did that.