081011

The world is so small
How could anybody not look you in the eye
Or wave was you drive by?
The world is such a wonderful place.

I feel naked without my typewriter and tape recorder being within arms reach. Also can’t stand it when my bed isn’t next to a window so I can look outside at the rain. Minor complaints in a sea of things I could bitch about. On the bright side the beer is cold and the Disney VHS tapes haven’t faded at all through these years.

I don’t really have much to say. I just felt like creating something.

I read some of my old notebooks from as far back as 2003. My handwriting was surprisingly better back then. Content wasn’t great. Did find some of my earliest songs and they were pretty good.

I had a dream the other night where a friend of mine made a video for me. The camera was small and sitting inside an empty fish tank. She slowly filled the tank with water and the camera tried to escape. The tank filled up quickly and the camera looked up at her looking back at the camera. As she pulled the camera out of the tank, I too felt like I just came out from under water. She wiped the water off the camera and I felt hands going through my hair. The video ended abruptly and I searched all over the house I was in for her to thank her. She was no where to be found.

Pre-season is gonna be here soon. After pre-season comes the official start to football season. Then comes autumn and the cold and coats and all the colors of the season. Breaths are shorter. My kind of living. And football sets a wonderful structure around it all. No matter how crummy the week is, there’s two great days to look forward to, and one of them is Monday for Christ’s sake. How great is it to be happy on Mondays?

I can't do long summers. My skin can't take it. Long winters are fine. I can take those any day. Sure I'll dream about the sun and beaches and all those fine things, but can only dig it in bursts. The trip to Nantucket was about all the summer I needed. Cold drinks, warm beaches, that scene. But normal day-to-day in horrible heat? It drives me insane.

A Dream/Notebook Scraps/Hakus

Two nights ago I was in some room that resembled the house where I took piano lessons as a kid. These doctors told me they had to operate on my teeth, just like last time. I remembered “last time” and remembered it going pretty well so I agree. They lay me down on just a normal bed with a lot of pillows. They gave me a lolly-pop covered in the anesthetic. I ate it and became woozy, not completely out of it. I then started to panic. The doctors assumed I was out and took out the huge drill. I started crying and moaning. They hid the drill immediately. I cried harder. The anesthetic didn’t work and may never work. I dipped my finger in the anesthetic goo and sucked. That worked. I rolled over once, lay my face into a pillow, and was gone.

I could still hear the doctors and the room though but felt nothing. I started to dream up a different scenario. I was on a plane and must have been a big shot director because I was in first class and was talking to celebrities. I asked an actress to be in my movie once we landed and she agreed. I then found myself on a movie set, trying to call out orders. However my mouth kept expanding and I felt the hands in my mouth and things poking my teeth. It didn’t hurt but that didn’t make me feel any better.

***
(Excerpt from a longer piece)
I'm sick of waiting.
I meditate on
This
before it falls away
and my hands run silent
it will soon
No need to look up, I FEEL
it in my stomach
All I have been taught
I know it must peak and resolve
Here comes the waiting
I'm sick of waiting

***
(Excerpt from a song)
Do you remember late at night
Rod Sterling's solemn face
We'd fall asleep on the couch
Dream of Pepsodent and Frosted Flakes

***
Yes, I am ready.
I'll have a cup of coffee.
Eggs, scrambled. Thank you.

I'm watching the game
We were leading at the half.
Now they're on our ten.

Please turn a light on.
Can you read me a story?
No, I'm not sleepy.

You Can't Make This Same Lame Zappa Reference Anymore! Vols. 5-6

Last night I had that dream again. This time it came with a bit of a twist.

My mother's boyfriend drove me home one night. The area looked vaguely like Freeman Street but I was sure I had never been there before. He first stopped at a liquor store and I waited in the car. After waiting a bit, I went inside looking for him.

Inside the store were a handful of kids. Very creepy looking, like Village of the Damned meets The Wicker Man creepy. They were very snide and made these condescending comments to me.

I decided to split and walk home at this rate. A young boy ran in front of me. I followed him but pretended like I wasn't doing so. The further we went, the brighter it got until I was in a field with a bunch of kids, playing some kind of bizarre and unorganized game of Capture The Flag. I still ignored the kids even though I saw other kids my age being the counselors and coaching them along. Nearly everyone my age was guiding some younger kid.

I made my way up the hill to this gypsy caravan. Inside each wagon was basically a summer camp cabin and one of my friends was there. I snuck into one of the wagons and all the kids were watching old variety shows from the 1950s and Frank Sinatra movies, transfixed to the sets. I made my way to the back room where the bunks were.

It was a girl's cabin and Bailey was on a top bunk, wearing typical camp counselor garb. I smiled at her but she looked concerned.

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just wish I could do this again."

With that, I buried my face into the bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

***

It may be an understatement to say I have been very emotional lately and these dreams don't help at all. They bring me way down when I'm in the best spirits. These dreams of let-down children. Jesus H Christ on a crutch. That's heavy. In more than one way...

I have a bunch of music posts to do due to the shit ton of albums I've acquired in the past two days. The Strokes, Frank Zappa...well that it. Two Zappas. Also I just found the picture I took for my "I Melt With You" rant so that will come up at some point. Now that my life is sorta back in a normal position, I'll lay that all out. But I'll lay it out easy.

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I just had a dream that Miley Cyrus and I went to a seaside concert of Paul McCartney. He held my hand and danced with me. I really don't care if this didn't happen, I'm happy as hell anyway.